“It Didn’t Start With You: A Journey Through Inherited Trauma and Self-Discovery”
By Prerna Chandra ·
Have you ever found yourself feeling anxious, fearful, or stuck for no apparent reason? Maybe it’s that nagging self-doubt that creeps in, or an overwhelming sadness that doesn’t seem to have a cause. You might have asked yourself, Why am I like this? Why can’t I just move on?
Now, what if I told you that the answer to these feelings might not lie in your experiences — but in the lives of those who came before you? That’s the idea Mark Wolynn explores in his fascinating book, It Didn’t Start With You. This book isn’t just a deep dive into the science of inherited trauma — it’s a mirror that helps us understand ourselves in ways we never imagined.
What If the Pain Isn’t Yours?
Have you ever felt emotions that don’t quite add up? Maybe you grew up in a loving home, yet you struggle with feelings of abandonment. Or perhaps you have a deep fear of losing everything, even though your life is stable.
Wolynn argues that these feelings might not belong to you at all — they could be echoes of trauma experienced by your parents, grandparents, or even further back. He shares story after story of people whose struggles were traced to events in their family’s past.
Take the example of Rachel (a story from the book). She constantly felt a sense of doom, as though something terrible was going to happen. After working with Wolynn, she uncovered that her grandfather had lost his entire family during the Holocaust. Even though Rachel had never met him, the trauma of his loss had seeped into her life, influencing her thoughts and feelings.
Does it make you wonder? What unseen forces might be shaping your emotions and decisions?
The Science Behind It
Now, before you think this is all too far-fetched, let’s talk about the science. Have you heard of epigenetics? It’s a field of study that looks at how experiences — like trauma — can alter the way our genes are expressed. Essentially, when someone endures a traumatic event, it can leave a “mark” on their genes, which can then be passed down to future generations.
Imagine this: Your grandmother survived a famine. Her body adapted by holding onto every bit of food it could get. That adaptation, encoded in her genes, might now influence the way your body reacts to food, even if you’ve never experienced hunger yourself.
It’s not just about biology, though. It’s also about the stories we inherit — or don’t. Sometimes, silence around a traumatic event speaks louder than words. Families often bury their pain, thinking they’re protecting their children, but that unspoken grief has a way of trickling down, shaping behaviors and emotions in ways we don’t even realize.
Are You Carrying Someone Else’s Burden?
Do you ever feel like you’re living out patterns that don’t make sense? Like you’re stuck in a loop, repeating the same mistakes or feeling the same pain, no matter how hard you try to break free?
Wolynn suggests that the words we use to describe our struggles often hold clues to their origins. He calls it the Core Language Approach. For example, if you frequently say things like, “I feel abandoned,” or “I don’t belong,” those feelings might not originate in your own life — they could be inherited.
This really hit me when I read the story of Aaron. He felt an overwhelming sense of rejection his entire life. As it turned out, his mother had been an unwanted pregnancy. Even though she loved him deeply, her initial feelings of rejection during her pregnancy had left an emotional imprint that Aaron unknowingly carried.
It makes you think — what words or phrases do you repeat to yourself? And what might they reveal about your hidden wounds?
The Guilt We Don’t Know We Carry
Another powerful point Wolynn makes is how we often carry guilt or shame that doesn’t belong to us. Have you ever felt responsible for something that wasn’t your fault? Maybe you’ve felt the need to “fix” your family or take on their burdens.
This is especially common in families where trauma or loss has occurred. Children, consciously or not, often try to make up for the pain of their parents or grandparents. They might try to live up to impossible standards, feeling they need to “make it right.” But here’s the truth: You don’t have to carry what isn’t yours.
Breaking the Cycle: Healing Inherited Trauma
“Just because it didn’t start with you doesn’t mean it has to end with you.”
That’s the message of hope Wolynn offers. While inherited trauma can shape us, it doesn’t have to define us. Healing is possible, but it requires self-awareness and courage. Here are a few steps Wolynn suggests:
- Trace Your Family History: Start asking questions. What major events — wars, losses, migrations — shaped your family? What stories were passed down, and what’s been left unsaid?
- Pay Attention to Your Core Language: Notice the words and phrases you use to describe your struggles. Do they echo themes that might come from your family’s past?
- Release Through Rituals: Symbolic acts — like writing a letter to an ancestor or creating a family tree — can help you process and release inherited pain.
- Practice Gratitude and Self-Compassion: Remember, you’re not responsible for healing generations of trauma overnight. Be kind to yourself as you navigate this journey.
What Will You Pass On?
At its heart, It Didn’t Start With You is a reminder that we’re all part of something bigger than ourselves. We carry the weight of our ancestors, yes — but we also carry their strength, resilience, and love.
The question isn’t just, What have I inherited? It’s also, What will I pass on?
This book doesn’t just help you understand your pain — it helps you rewrite your story. And in doing so, it gives you the power to change not only your life but the lives of those who come after you.
So, if you’ve ever felt like you’re carrying a weight you can’t explain, this book is for you. It’s not about blaming the past — it’s about understanding it, honoring it, and then moving forward with purpose and freedom. I would certainly recommend reading this book.